An approriate title perhaps?

Post Secret

I'm going to let you kill me...

Remember this message; (dated 30th May)

Entitled; Neurotic

What on earth just happened?

You'd think guys would be best pleased with a girl not eager to tie them down. No hidden agendas.

How wrong could i be.

Seriously? What just happened? Seriously??

I'm not even gonna go there. It's a gorgeous day, the beach boys are playing and i have a heap of revision.

This one can sort itself out.

Well i'm having serious deja vu. However this time, it's not such a gorgeous day, the beach boys are not playing and i have work... all week, with this awful swine flu like cold (although i believe it to be more to do with the shots of sambuca last night than the current pandemic).

Although, this time i have a better idea of whats going on. And i understand. It's got too that inevitable point where the whole situation is questioned. It's too serious to be casual and not willing to be anymore than that. I just don't want to fall out. Or argue. Why does everything have to get so complicated?

Last night i drank doubles, did shots, and then proceeded to have a panic attack in the middle of the market square. It came out of nowhere. The only thing i could think of that may have triggered it was that i was worried about bumping into John and his new girlfriend laura (Don't ask) in stealth. I think R miss understood when i tried to explain in the car on the way home. I feel very much over John, so much so that it scares me how quickly i got passed it and i've judged myself harshly because of it. I was simply worried because i wasn't sure how to react if i were to bump into them, because i was obliterated... hence panic.

In other news; i've got a 2 month free trial with lovefilm.com so i intend to watch as many films as i can between working, recovering from this cold and just relaxing. I've exhausted myself and i think this had a lot to do with the attack i had yesterday. I haven't had one in years.

And i promise, whilst recovering and relaxing that i'll make an effort to contribute some much more interesting and intelligent postings to the blog. This by far is the most half hearted thing i've ever written on here. It could be because my eyes are burning and i'm getting snot all over the keyboard - so i'll leave it there.

xoxo

Carboot Finds...

I've been a very busy girl today

Records
The Specials - Ghost Town Extended Version LP 50p
The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony LP 50p
Fatboy Slim - Halfway between the Gutter and the Stars LP 50p

DVDs
Carlitos Way (Al pacino)
Lock Stock and Two smoking barrels
Heat (Al pacino)
The Others
Rumour Has It
Burn After Reading
Dawn of The Dead
Shawshank Redemption
Baz Lurmans Romeo and Juliet

Books
We need to talk about kevin - Lionel Shriver
Notes on a scandal - Zoe Heller
The Abortionists Daughter - Elisabeth Hyde
Quentin Taratino's Pulp Fiction Screenplay
Trainspotting Screenplay
The wasp factory - Ian Banks

Flash from the past...

I've just stumbled across my first post and so much has changed... here it is to save you looking... and the red is the present

1. I live with "Boy" on the edge of town - I now live back home with my parents by a field
   
2. ... In our somewhat dysfunctional apartment and as of late, our somewhat dysfunctional relationship. - In our quaint little family home
   
3. I am currently hungry - i'm always hungry
   
4. ... and working 3 jobs along side my full time degree - finished for the summer and working 2 cushy jobs
   
5. All of which are with children, so high levels of responsibility and an unmeasurable amount of patience leaves me exhausted
6. ... however work is sparse as of recent, due to my battle with finding balance between work, degree and life - work is regular and easy
   
7. My dysfunctional relationship is comprised of little communication, mainly due to Boys nocturnal behaviour. Rarely is he conscious prior to tea time, keeping most of his waking hours post 6PM - my dysfunctional relationship is so over. Singledom has found me = amazing no strings attached sex
   
8. ... and he is currently jobless - i believe this still to be true but no longer my problem
   
9. Leaving me tearing down the walls - No wall tearing. Unbelievably content
   
10. ... and our relationship it would seem
11. But we are trying - no more
    
12. And i am waiting for a sign... a message from god, which is awfully big of me because i am, in no sense of the word, religious - God life is good.
    

Listen to...

Alone Again Or
by Love

Verse 1:
Yeah, said it’s all right
I won’t forget
All the times I’ve waited patiently for you
And you’ll do just what you choose to do
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Verse 2:
Yeah, I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
You know that I could be in love with almost everyone
I think that people are
The greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Should have touched wood...

Yesterday i finally went to pick up the money John owed me and all the post that had built up at the flat. It was not a pleasant experience. I wish that i never have to go back but i've still got furniture to pick up. It was so empty. I was shocked that i felt nothing. He was shakey. I can read John like a book and he was uncomfortable. He said because he hadn't seen me for so long, but i was sceptical.

He's taken the pictures down in the bedroom and bought new sheets. Which means he's fucking someone new. I told him he was a better liar when we were together. There is someone. And it's Laura.

He made a comment about how she always calls him squire and makes him wear a hat when he goes round. I laughed, which i don't believe was the response he was fishing for. And made a comment that suggested that, that was kind of pathetic.
Which she is.
Not because she's probably sleeping with my ex. But because she irritated me from the word go. She seems pretty cool from a distance but honestly, some of the stuff she comes out with. She used to make me cringe.

It's a weird mixture of feelings. It's also very hypocritical. I feel nothing for John apart from familiarity and even that is beginning to wane, it's not that he's changed overly, or at all for that matter. But i feel like the girl going out with him wasn't me, it's all very surreal. And I'M sleeping with someone else! But that was my HOME! She's floating around in her irritatingly child like manner! On My sofas! My coffee table! My Futon! My Mirrors! My cups and plates! I'm more angry that she's acquainted with the flat than sleeping with my ex. I loved my flat.

So anyway. Babyshower today followed by the Maltcross with Jamie, Ruth and Luke... and to her great disappointment NOT Glen.

And on a slightly different note...

Life is seriously good.

S.Darko

I was watching Tv last night (which i haven't done in a while) and an advert came on for S.Darko. I cringed and then promptly googled it. The full length trailer left much to be desired and it took me back to the Butterfly effect 2. Disaster. The beauty of the original was that it was just that, regurgitate it with some unbeknown to anyone, actors and what i could only make out to be a pretty bad interpretation of the original concept and you've got a complete waste of time on your hands. So here's a warning to you all, steer clear of the "special double feature set" it's just upsetting. And as for S.Darko. Just Oh dear.

Take a look for yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtgPQs_vU-8

On a brighter note. Public enemies is a must see!

Dirty

I feel sambuca shots and malibu dirty.

Luckily i only have two hours of work today and i've only got the youngest to contend with. I recon i'll just strap her in her buggy and go for a wander, go dip her in the fountain on the market square or something.

Then home, to watch amelie and 9 1/2 weeks. Work 9.30 - 2.30 tomorrow. Cinema 8.15. Can someone please tie me down long enough to write up this lab report.

I feel pretty sketchy today. And a little lost.

Shit.

I highly recommend this song today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu_3RS2rO78

Songs in my head...

Fleet Foxes - White Winter hymnal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCzIw4W7fdQ

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days (STILL!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZPTFfpO40

The Beautiful South - A little Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttuA1UEUAI0

and the original "Don't marry her" by the beautiful south (blue is the colour album)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHnhMvSxOf0

Plus i really love the florence + the machine album cover.

Catch up

Where to start, where to start.

Quick Run down;

• Working with the Italian family 3 days a week - popped into the castle bar after work on friday to say hey to Russ, ended up staying longer than intended whilst waiting for R
• Who is a crazy scary stalker who needs to cool it - walking past the shop the guy you're simply fucking, works in, TWICE, is insane. I, myself, felt like a stalker.
• Went for Pizza at Rescue Rooms and discussed David, stalking david and other david related activities.
• She tried to force me to stay out (incase david asked her to join him in town. sigh.) I refused to drink, there was no point. The night was going nowhere. R ordered a vodka and coke and i ordered belgian waffels and ice cream. She wasn't impressed.
• Watched the end of six feet under. Had the laziest of lazy days yesterday. I didn't leave my bed all day. I started to smell. It was fantastic.
• Carboot sale this morning, made over 50 quid and burnt my back. It's unbelieveably hot today.
• I've spent most of my spare time over the past 48 hours watching films, swapping music with J and singing far to loudly and somewhat theatrically to the beautiful south "A little time" over and over. Followed closely by the dirty dancing soundtrack... hair brush in hand and all. I'm not at all bored of myself yet.

I've clocked my hours for this week and i appear to be working a measley 13! Which is fine, seeing as i worked myself into the ground last week (plus i still need to finish this lab report). Going to see Gigantic at Broadway on Tuesday with J. Greggs back. Samantha's on for drinks. Hollys gone awol so i need to chase her up (last time i saw her she'd lost atleast a stone along with her prick of a boyfriend). Rachael's back. And i have atleast 10 films to work through.

and i'd like to add...

... that in hindsight i'm not actually that angry at John, but at R for telling me and the other R's involvement (far too many R's). In reality, i expect nothing less from John, after all theres a reason i no longer wanted to be with him. He can flirt and fuck who he likes,(i'm pretty sure he always has anyway). I certainly am and i lie safe in the knowledge that what i'm getting is far better than whatever he's getting.

Some six feet under i think :)

Fantastic.

I've just spent the past 15 minutes avoiding an argument with my ex. I admit that I irrationally called him a cock but it was fuelled by R. She told me on the phone that (the other) R has spoken to him on facebook and that the conversation turned dirty when John mentioned his cock. Now, why R thought it necessary to tell me this, i don't know. After all i didn't tell her when her ex shared with me that he shaves his balls. Ignorance is bliss! She would have surely known that by telling me this, it would hurt me. It wouldn't make me like him anyless or hate him anymore, it just makes me hurt. There was just no point. I was happily alphabetising my record collection (followed by dvds and books) until she shared this nugget of information.

Well, almost happily. John had spoken to me earlier and managed to winde me up considerably. He's throwing a party with Joe Dempsey next weekend (yes you hear me right, chris from skins). So that's great. Fucking fantastic. Rub it in.

On a brighter note i'm eating my fish pie (which was going swimmingly until i just dropped my fork on the floor) and i bought more dvds. This weeks buys include;

One flew over the cukoos nest
Crash
This is England
Cassandra's Dream
The boy in the striped Pyjamas
Little Miss Sunshine
Amelie
Notes on a Scandal
9 1/2 Weeks
Twelve Monkeys

I've temporarily "forgotten" my internet banking password. That way i can't tell exactly how overdrawn i am. Perfect

Platonic

Yesterday was a long day. Work 9 til 6 and then to the cinema to see the 8 o'clock showing of the new Transformers (Huge anti-climax).

I'm only working 10.30 til 12.45 which hardly seems worth the effort. I'm contemplating calling Gregg. Which is even more effort. Rekindeling our friendship has been on the bottom of my list for a while now but i feel compelled to contact him. It's been over a year since we actually saw eachother and i'm pretty confident he's got over the awkwardness of the pass he made at me last summer. Maybe it is completly possible to go back to our Will and Grace-esque friendship and keep our dirty little hands to ourselves. I certainly will have no problem.

At present i'm highly resentful of the fact that i no longer have my own flat. Sex under my parents roof is somewhat of a chore (although pulled it off pretty well and with no mention of it this morning from the rents... yet). I've got atleast a year of this, i better just get used to it.

Mums just offered me a lift in to town, she's heading to the jobs center, in order to take her up on her offer i'd have to get up now, right now. Ugh.

As in NOW. GO!

The stars say...

My blogging attempts have been pretty pitiful of late. I can't seem to focus on one thing long enough to pull together one simple blog. Quite honestly i don't know where to start. Plus my daily blog has been replaced with my by daily inboxing to Jamie, often by hourly.

My writings going nowhere. I can't seem to put pen to paper when i'm reading such an amazing book (The time travellers wife). My own writing feels bland and 2 dimensional. I'm working on it. Inbetween episodes of six feet under and chapters from my book.

My assignment is still sat untouched on my desk and today my horoscope does not give me an out (Sunday 21st horoscope encouraged a healthy amount of procrastination), today it tells me to prioritise. I should really stop reading this bullshit.

Dog Days are Over

About to start my second week of the summer block work. Which is exhausting. A small kid, about 13, told me that i had a nice arse and offered to buy me a Mcflurry from mcdonalds on friday. I don't recall trying to pull on school trips.

Me and J held film night on friday and i have to say we pull film night off pretty well. Leon, followed by el sexo y lucia (if i recall correctly) and then a film on sky around 2 in the morning which looking back could easily have been porn. We went to bed sometime around 5 with our bellies rumbling and discussing food and fell asleep sometime around 6, maybe even 7. We slept on and off until 2 in the afternoon and then J dropped me off in town on his way to work.

I tried to take a nap in the afternoon, R wanted to go into town. I caught the 7.06 bus and found myself catching a cab home shortly after 10.30. R was upset about D who seems progressively less interested as the days go on. Plus a guy had called her a slut in Rescue Rooms and i think herself esteem was at an all time low. I'd just downed atleast 7 shots and new that give it another 10 minutes i'd be uncomprehendable and unable to console her. So i suggested we call it a night. As a result i ended up a lot drunker on my arrival home than i was leaving town. I vaguely recall wandering into my parents room to enquire as to what they were watching, it looked of relative interest and i proceeded to wedge myself between the pair before mum suggested i go to bed.

It was then that R rang to discuss D further and puzzel over the whole unfortunate situation but by this point i'm pretty sure i was slurring my words and interjecting things that were not relevant to the topic of conversation.

Fathers day and carboot sale this morning. David Bowie for 20p on vinyl and The third series of 6 feet under for 4 quid. I text Russ and asked if i could borrow the first 2 series.

I need to finish an assignment. Before the end of June. Sighs.

Definately listen to "Dog Days are Over" By Florence + the machine. I'm addicted

Buzzing...

I'm buzzing. Soft fuzzy outline and all. In fact i'm so inspired i can't think straight. I've finally landed an idea something i can work with, something i want to work with. A storyline I could really run with. I've never felt so sure that, with time and effort and a lot of sweat and blood, I can pull this off.

Watch this space.

Baby...

I'm running away with the circus

I don't care for your tone...

Or much of what you say...

Everything that i have to say is knocked down. Anything i have to say is met with a sharp often pesimestic come back. I'm not one for confrontation or retaliation but i was never one for leaving my boyfriend or jetting off on holiday alone either, so i guess theres always a chance that next time i'll turn around and shoot her down (metaphorically speaking).

I need some down time. I've banished parents from entering my room for the rest of the day. Having lived independently for 2 years living back home is becoming an up hill struggle. I feel like a child again.

Tbh, i could do with some company. But i'm not about to ask.

I'm going to start wishing on stars again. Worked for me last time.