Crash and Burn

Ok so i'm not ok! Not in the slightest. I should be elbow deep in multiple regression right now but instead i'm drowning in teary mascara and snot. I sobbed my socks off (or more accurately my new Topshop sandals) for approximately 10 minutes before i decided that was plenty enough self pity for one day.

So what if i've left my home and my boyfriend of 5 years? So what if i have no idea what multiple regression actually is and where my telencephalon is actually located? So what?!

I'm angry. So very angry. And if there's a slim chance you're reading this then yes! I'm angry at you. And i'm close to cashing it in and fucking you off because it's meant to be fun and games and thats not at all what it is. What do you want from me?!?

I feel like i might crash and burn. Melodramatic? Don't insult me.

Neurotic

What on earth just happened?

You'd think guys would be best pleased with a girl not eager to tie them down. No hidden agendas.

How wrong could i be.

Seriously? What just happened? Seriously??

I'm not even gonna go there. It's a gorgeous day, the beach boys are playing and i have a heap of revision.

This one can sort itself out.

This is life

I am exhausted. I don't just mean i'm tired, sleepy, lethargic... I mean EXHAUSTED.

There isn't an aspect of my life right now that isn't just exhausting.

Physically, emotionally, mentally...

I've barely had time to come to terms with my break up. They tell you to keep busy, take your mind off it but i'm starting to worry that not too far from now everythings going to come crashing down around me. I think i'm yet to grieve. I think i'm yet to really decide.

I've been too busy with hourly updates from Ruth concerning her break up (this is kind of harsh, i'm sure the calls are not that frequent, but they certainly feel it)

And then theres socialising and boys

And revision

And work and money

And the ridculous distance i have to travel to do any of these things.

And not to mention the change. I was one part of two halves for 5 years and now i'm... not even sure. How do i even feel about that?

I don't have time to consider how i really feel and what i really want. I need to pass this year.

I'm going to hide away until the 11th and pray it doesn't all catch up with me in the mean time.

Cafe Nero Boy

I was in town early this morning, working through a to do list, no doubt longer than this blog.

I wound up in Cafe Nero at Midday waiting for a much overdue catch up with sophie. She was going to be a couple of hours so i set up camp with my ice cold frappe mocha choca latte thingy and my Stats text books. Half way through stepwise multiple regression i realised that cafe nero boy's flirting was a little more than good customer service and after a good hour and a half he made light conversation about my reading material and my course. I learnt he was training to be an electrician and planned to move to Austrailia once qualified.

Another half hour later, after i'd asked him if he'd watch my bags while i nipped to the toilet and after exchanging texts with Sophie, i ordered a large hot chocolate. He asked if i had a loyalty card and when i said that i didnt he said he'd bring one to my table.

Half way through Unrelated anova he dropped a card onto the table, i turned it over to find that he'd filled it with stamps. This was all too easy. I wrote my number on a napkin in brown eyeliner and walked over to the counter, placing it in his hand. Insane? Yes! Exhilarating? Somewhat. Interested? Barely but carpe diam!

Although throw another guy into the mix and i might actually have a melt down.

I might "carpe noctem" and take a nap.

Don't Marry her, marry me...

Marry me?

Passed Boy's lips today when we met up for the first time since the break up.

Not in all seriousness, but clearly illustrating the current climate.

He misses me, he loves me and he's destroyed.

I'm lost.

All Flip Flops and No Bras

I met up with Ruth on Friday and we worked our way around the shops, i bought a new dress, sandals, pants and make up (because i've got out of paying a months notice due to the circumstances).

We then met up with Rachael and worked our way through coctails.

It was great having all three of us back together! We headed back to Ruths and dyed her hair (A somewhat traditional break up ritual) and i fake tanned Rachael because she couldn't bare to stand next to me with my tan. I drank half a bottle of rose.We headed straight to Muse and met up with Andy... which led to Shots in New Revs... which led back to Muse and to Russ, Sam and Lucy and me, near obliterated. By the end of the night everyone was fully aware that my pants matched my dress.


Some more than others...

And that leads us to Sunday. I got home around 11am, fully intending to spend the day doing not much at all. But Samantha was having a bbq, Ruth wanted drinks in the sun, Lou wanted me to join for drinks and Gig out of town and Duncan had invited me for drinks later that evening.

I ended up back in town, sunbathing outside the old jerusalem drinking lemonade, before moving onto coctails in Dogma, where we spent the majority of the night due to Ruths strong and unavoidable intention to sleep with the bar man (who flirted with me first). Andy showed up shortly before 7.30.
Ruth finally slipped the guy her number as we left around 10. So now we're even, the main aim of the game; to see how many bar staff you can slip your number to by the end of the night. I was in the lead with a guy from broadway who served me a tuna melt with wedges and a glass of tap water. Praying that i don't actually hear from him, hopefully he has a girlfriend or i missed a digit.

Now off to a bank holiday carboot sale. I will fit revision in somewhere...

Hell breaking loose

After arriving home on Thursday to find my life in bin bags piled up in my parents kitchen (mothers face was a picture), i've spent the last few days avoiding sorting it all out and have been keeping busy with more enjoyable things, like a girls meant to do during the early days of a break up.

As you may have guessed, things didn't quite go to plan when i arrived home. And it was in fact much worse than i could've imagined. John had took it upon himself to move me out and had let himself into my parents house along with everything i own.

Anyway, my stuff has slowly worked itself out of the bin bags and back into my bedroom. Mainly because dad wants his shed back.

This morning all hell is breaking loose. Mums having a moment over the fact that i didn't return her tweezers to their rightful place and Dad, who has been sorting through the bin bags, has just found my box of vibrators, so we're avoiding eachother at all costs.

I'm currently waiting for lola to turn up, brandishing her ever growing bump and then i plan to meet Ruth in town and then Rachael at 2, fresh from the train station. All to be reunited. This could be interesting...

Lonely Hearts Club

This morning i awoke to a text from Ruth. Anthony has split up with her.

I'm not sure whether i'd seen this coming or not.

Anyway, heading over to Ruths when we arrive home. Which is good because it gets me away from the parents and means i won't end up at the flat, confronting Boy.

I packed at 6.30 this morning, always one to leave everything until last minute. Once ted and my vibrator were accounted for i made my way down to reception, got my deposit back for the TV remote (how i would've gotten through this week with out zone romantica i have no clue) and booked a taxi down to my parents hotel to wait for transfers.

We're Homeward Bound...

Great

Tiene mi ninos por favor?

You'll be glad to know that i managed to escape death by pigeon (flying rat :)) and have fewer white bits than previously mentioned.

Last night i did copious amounts of "across the room flirting" with the spanish waiter. Who apparently looked somewhat disappointed when i didn't turn up for breakfast this morning. However, i did just run into him leaving the hotel and he turned around a few times to smile as he walked up the street. I've already planned the wedding and named our two adorable half spanish/half english children. I text samantha to inform her that she will be acting as maid of honor and i'll be flying her out in the next few weeks.

Of course i'm kidding.

Besides i much prefer the spanish security guard at the apartment. I passed him on the stairs and as i re-emerged from my room he was leaning out of a near by window. I avoided eye contact and gave him a coy smile and made my way back downstairs. As i reached the bottom he cleared his throat and i looked up to see him leaning over the stairs smiling down at me.

All the attention is much appreciated. It certainly acts as a good distractor. But i think the langauge barrier might pose a problem. My spanish leaves much to be desired.

So anyway, i fly home tomorrow. I feel ready to head back and confront the issue at hand. Boy.

Headline;

Yesterday i was sunning my white bits on my balcony, well out of view, when i look up to see not one but two pigeons, looking down at me from the table. Eyeing me up.

I can see the headlines now,

"Heartbroken girl holidaying in the canaries meets her untimely demise; Death by pigeon"

I´m like a young tanned bridget jones and her being eaten alive by alsations, but instead it´s birds, pigeons to be exact, somewhat less poetic.

I dreamt that i flew home last night for my confrontation with Boy. It all went pretty badly. Horrendous tbh. But that makes me feel somewhat better today. Like it couldn´t really be as bad in reality... right?

Right!

Back up to the balcony to sort out my white boobs. If you don´t hear from me you know that i have, in fact, been eaten alive by spanish pigeons... thats a good get out clause if i ever knew one.

Buenos Dias mis amigos! Hasta Luego! Adios!

White Bits

Much of yesterday was spent by the pool, drinking champagne and reading (i know, i´ve deffinately stepped it up a notch).

I played water polo in the afternoon against aload of men twice my size. My team was comprised of my dad, 2 pensioners and me. We lost 15 to 17... which i translate as a win seeing as the odds were against us.

Today i intend to stay on the balcony. The thought of going home with white bits leaves me breaking out into a sweat, so much topless sunbathing is in order.

Off to the supermarket to buy water and breakfast.

Adios!

Hello Mr Blue Sky

Ok i´m a blogging addict. I can´t even take a holiday without blogging.

Last night after returning from the market, i curled up on the sofa in sweats and with chinese take out and watched zone romantica. Sad. I know.

Today i intend to find myself a rock and sit on it.

Stay tuned.

Has been facebook dumped...

You know that your break up is official when you read it in the daily facebook news feed.

I've logged on while the sun hides behind a cloud, to check my e-mail and re-new a library book and of course update you all on my holiday (I'm a 21st century girl after all, technology comes with territory).

My tan is already making an appearance and i'm already planning my next holiday, my drive behind this is my desire to maintain my tan.

My apartment is perfect.

I've done a substantial amount of reading both recreational and for the purpose of revision.

And I'm ok. I have a plan. And i'm ok.

P.s. Hello new followers :) Stay Tuned

xoxo

Airport

I'm at the airport and have managed to slip in 5 sneaky minutes of blogging.

Everything's gone pretty smoothly, apart from the fact my case appears to weigh more than me and i looked like a twat tripping over it trying to load it onto the belt.

Oh and my bag got searched, which ted was somewhat happy about he'd been banished to the bottom of the bag for routinely making an appearance everytime i went in for anything. He fully embraced the light of day before returning to the dusty and dirty bottom of my rucksack.

Concious effort is being made NOT to loose my passport or boarding card (and ted).

I've purchased one trashy novel, two magazines (one of mild intelligence, one not) and i've consumed half an overly priced baguette and a cappucino. Which is now cold but i refuse to let go to waste.

Anyway, no doubt my flight is boarding and i'm blogging so i'll see you all in a week if not before.

xoxo

Leaving on a Jet Plane

7 hours and 40 minutes and i'll be heading to the airport.

On my own.

Completely on my own.

Because i'm not coming back to Boy.

We're over.

Anyone whose experienced a break up knows what i'm feeling.

I can't put it into words.

I don't dare.

I'll be in touch... watch this space.

Yes Russ :) Procrastination.

In just under 48 hours i'll be on a beach!

I'll be a world away from my problems, absorbing the harsh UVA of Canary Island Sun and the contents of my developmental psychology text book.

On a beach.

In just under 24 hours i'll be handing in this Critical Commentary.

This critical commentary that is an impossible 500 words away from completion.

Rather than critically contemplating the Freudian Personality theory and Jungian archetypes.

I'm considering taking a bus back into town and indulging in ice cream and retail therapy.

After all i do need to buy travel plugs.

How on earth will i blog abroad without travel plugs... and sandals.

Milk and Cookies

How cheerful is this photograph?

This pretty much sums up what i'm doing right now.

and this about equates to what i'll be doing in the next 20 minutes or so

But i'd much rather be doing it like this... where is he?xoxo

Manic Monday

Having not slept through the night, awaking at 1.30, a mere 3 hours after falling into bed, i dragged myself to work at 7. D left the house shortly after i arrived leaving me to wake two rays of sunshine (note; hint of sarcasm). E and F slept until 7.40, F awoke easily as i rolled up the blinds and switched on the radio, E awoke somewhat more grudingly and it was only pure bribery and a hint of luck that got her out of her monday morning stooper.

F dressed and E whined and then breakfast was served after a fight over the remote (bribery gone bad). With Faces washed, teeth brushed and hair done, all achieved through expert coaxing and limited back chat, we finally and i emphasise finally, made it out of the door.

The morning walk to school is normally pleasant, we often play eye spy or pretend we're on a train but this morning our timing was unfortunate and we ran into D's family friend M and his daughter S and endured 10 minutes of forced plesantries and feined interest. I for one, did not care much for the fact he was having a new kitchen floor fitted today and for sure did not fall prey to what i assume was a pathetic attempt to palm his child off on me. On greeting me he looked distractedly over the hedge towards his house, a confused expression on his face, i met his frown with raised eyebrows and an innocent questioning look

"Ah, i just thought i saw... we're having the kitchen floor fitted today and i was just checking they hadn't already arrived"

I just as innocently nodded, ignoring the hint.

With the girls at school i headed back to the apartment with little intent to sleep. Boy was still on the sofa when i arrived back, a somewhat cleaner and nakeder version of the Boy i left 2 hours ago.

The next hour was spent on the phone to the benefits advisors due to Boys inability to work at present because of his back. I spent a considerable amount of time on the other end of the phone passing on my employment details, which due to my 3 jobs and my infrequent and uncontracted hours was an arduous task.

Now, sleep deprived and hungry i am torn between attempting to put an end to this insomnia and actually going out and enjoying this beautiful day... and my critical commentary.

I really need this holiday.

"Some mother's do av em"

I'm aware that in the UK it isn't mothers day but i was inspired by blogs and post secret to share with you my mum. She's an inspiration. And as i get older i am, and i'm not ashamed to say, turning into my mother... to my boyfriends dismay.

Puzzle Pieces

I strongly believe my inability to decide what i want now, comes from the fact that i know exactly what i want out of my future. Never have i had such a clear vision of where i'll be in 10 years time and never have I felt such an urgency to work towards it.

And some of the pieces don't fit and i am overly aware that Boy doesn't want the same things that i want.

I realise that i have always neglected the concept of marriage and have conciously delayed the pitter patter of tiny feet to post 30 in my blue prints of the future. The reasoning behind this? Because Boy doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids. So i push my thresholds to meet his, i say 30 when i'd much rather say 27, but thirty is a much more plausiable time frame to allow for him to come around to the idea or enough time left with him before i have to leave and find someone else.

But honestly, i think i want to get married and i want to have children especially without the increased risk of complications and birth defects.

I see myself at 27, stepping out of my whitewash beach house with windows lined with flower boxes and baby blue wooden shutters, there's a veranda that stretches round the front of the house and there's a cat asleep on the bench under the window. I've got a bump and a smile on my face. I have a ring on my finger and a camera in my hand. I speak fluent spanish and i teach and i write.

This is a long way off and between then and now there's a list of all the countless things i want to accomplish and experience in my lifetime before i bring kids into the world.

But this is what i want. This is what i'm aiming for. I don't want to be stuck here. But my impatient nature is doing me no favours. What do you do about the pieces that might never fit?

Post Secret Sunday

I have had a busy morning, sifting through photography and post secret postings. I am knee deep and near drowning in inspiration and now have no idea where to start. So i thought for now i'll keep it simple and post some of the post cards that seemed all to relevant. Some that i could easily have posted myself.

Note to Self;

The sun is out (photograph taken 01/05/09 -Nottingham, Market Square)

Note to self; Get dressed and leave the apartment!

This month, and forgive me for sounding so cliche (especially in my first blog of my new blog), has been a roller coaster of a ride. But the point of starting a new blog, is most certainly not to rehash what has been the most bipolar of months.

But it would be unfair not to bring you up to speed (you may have to read between the lines)

1. I live with "Boy" on the edge of town
2. ... In our somewhat dysfunctional apartment and as of late, our somewhat dysfunctional relationship.
   
3. I am currently hungry
4. ... and working 3 jobs along side my full time degree
5. All of which are with children, so high levels of responsibility and an unmeasurable amount of patience leaves me exhausted
6. ... however work is sparse as of recent, due to my battle with finding balance between work, degree and life
   
7. My dysfunctional relationship is comprised of little communication, mainly due to Boys nocturnal behaviour. Rarely is he conscious prior to tea time, keeping most of his waking hours post 6PM
8. ... and he is currently jobless
9. Leaving me tearing down the walls
10. ... and our relationship it would seem
11. But we are trying
12. And i am waiting for a sign... a message from god, which is awfully big of me because i am, in no sense of the word, religious

So with all that in mind, constantly in mind. I am heading to pick up my holiday tickets today. The holiday that is little under a week away. The holiday i am embarking on all by myself. Brave? Stupid? A week on the beach with (endless) revision, just me myself and I. It could be an enlightening experience. It could be an absolute f*cking disaster.

Watch this space.

Relocation Relocation

I'm back.