An approriate title perhaps?

Post Secret

I'm going to let you kill me...

Remember this message; (dated 30th May)

Entitled; Neurotic

What on earth just happened?

You'd think guys would be best pleased with a girl not eager to tie them down. No hidden agendas.

How wrong could i be.

Seriously? What just happened? Seriously??

I'm not even gonna go there. It's a gorgeous day, the beach boys are playing and i have a heap of revision.

This one can sort itself out.

Well i'm having serious deja vu. However this time, it's not such a gorgeous day, the beach boys are not playing and i have work... all week, with this awful swine flu like cold (although i believe it to be more to do with the shots of sambuca last night than the current pandemic).

Although, this time i have a better idea of whats going on. And i understand. It's got too that inevitable point where the whole situation is questioned. It's too serious to be casual and not willing to be anymore than that. I just don't want to fall out. Or argue. Why does everything have to get so complicated?

Last night i drank doubles, did shots, and then proceeded to have a panic attack in the middle of the market square. It came out of nowhere. The only thing i could think of that may have triggered it was that i was worried about bumping into John and his new girlfriend laura (Don't ask) in stealth. I think R miss understood when i tried to explain in the car on the way home. I feel very much over John, so much so that it scares me how quickly i got passed it and i've judged myself harshly because of it. I was simply worried because i wasn't sure how to react if i were to bump into them, because i was obliterated... hence panic.

In other news; i've got a 2 month free trial with lovefilm.com so i intend to watch as many films as i can between working, recovering from this cold and just relaxing. I've exhausted myself and i think this had a lot to do with the attack i had yesterday. I haven't had one in years.

And i promise, whilst recovering and relaxing that i'll make an effort to contribute some much more interesting and intelligent postings to the blog. This by far is the most half hearted thing i've ever written on here. It could be because my eyes are burning and i'm getting snot all over the keyboard - so i'll leave it there.

xoxo

Carboot Finds...

I've been a very busy girl today

Records
The Specials - Ghost Town Extended Version LP 50p
The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony LP 50p
Fatboy Slim - Halfway between the Gutter and the Stars LP 50p

DVDs
Carlitos Way (Al pacino)
Lock Stock and Two smoking barrels
Heat (Al pacino)
The Others
Rumour Has It
Burn After Reading
Dawn of The Dead
Shawshank Redemption
Baz Lurmans Romeo and Juliet

Books
We need to talk about kevin - Lionel Shriver
Notes on a scandal - Zoe Heller
The Abortionists Daughter - Elisabeth Hyde
Quentin Taratino's Pulp Fiction Screenplay
Trainspotting Screenplay
The wasp factory - Ian Banks

Flash from the past...

I've just stumbled across my first post and so much has changed... here it is to save you looking... and the red is the present

1. I live with "Boy" on the edge of town - I now live back home with my parents by a field
   
2. ... In our somewhat dysfunctional apartment and as of late, our somewhat dysfunctional relationship. - In our quaint little family home
   
3. I am currently hungry - i'm always hungry
   
4. ... and working 3 jobs along side my full time degree - finished for the summer and working 2 cushy jobs
   
5. All of which are with children, so high levels of responsibility and an unmeasurable amount of patience leaves me exhausted
6. ... however work is sparse as of recent, due to my battle with finding balance between work, degree and life - work is regular and easy
   
7. My dysfunctional relationship is comprised of little communication, mainly due to Boys nocturnal behaviour. Rarely is he conscious prior to tea time, keeping most of his waking hours post 6PM - my dysfunctional relationship is so over. Singledom has found me = amazing no strings attached sex
   
8. ... and he is currently jobless - i believe this still to be true but no longer my problem
   
9. Leaving me tearing down the walls - No wall tearing. Unbelievably content
   
10. ... and our relationship it would seem
11. But we are trying - no more
    
12. And i am waiting for a sign... a message from god, which is awfully big of me because i am, in no sense of the word, religious - God life is good.
    

Listen to...

Alone Again Or
by Love

Verse 1:
Yeah, said it’s all right
I won’t forget
All the times I’ve waited patiently for you
And you’ll do just what you choose to do
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Verse 2:
Yeah, I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
You know that I could be in love with almost everyone
I think that people are
The greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Should have touched wood...

Yesterday i finally went to pick up the money John owed me and all the post that had built up at the flat. It was not a pleasant experience. I wish that i never have to go back but i've still got furniture to pick up. It was so empty. I was shocked that i felt nothing. He was shakey. I can read John like a book and he was uncomfortable. He said because he hadn't seen me for so long, but i was sceptical.

He's taken the pictures down in the bedroom and bought new sheets. Which means he's fucking someone new. I told him he was a better liar when we were together. There is someone. And it's Laura.

He made a comment about how she always calls him squire and makes him wear a hat when he goes round. I laughed, which i don't believe was the response he was fishing for. And made a comment that suggested that, that was kind of pathetic.
Which she is.
Not because she's probably sleeping with my ex. But because she irritated me from the word go. She seems pretty cool from a distance but honestly, some of the stuff she comes out with. She used to make me cringe.

It's a weird mixture of feelings. It's also very hypocritical. I feel nothing for John apart from familiarity and even that is beginning to wane, it's not that he's changed overly, or at all for that matter. But i feel like the girl going out with him wasn't me, it's all very surreal. And I'M sleeping with someone else! But that was my HOME! She's floating around in her irritatingly child like manner! On My sofas! My coffee table! My Futon! My Mirrors! My cups and plates! I'm more angry that she's acquainted with the flat than sleeping with my ex. I loved my flat.

So anyway. Babyshower today followed by the Maltcross with Jamie, Ruth and Luke... and to her great disappointment NOT Glen.

And on a slightly different note...

Life is seriously good.

S.Darko

I was watching Tv last night (which i haven't done in a while) and an advert came on for S.Darko. I cringed and then promptly googled it. The full length trailer left much to be desired and it took me back to the Butterfly effect 2. Disaster. The beauty of the original was that it was just that, regurgitate it with some unbeknown to anyone, actors and what i could only make out to be a pretty bad interpretation of the original concept and you've got a complete waste of time on your hands. So here's a warning to you all, steer clear of the "special double feature set" it's just upsetting. And as for S.Darko. Just Oh dear.

Take a look for yourself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtgPQs_vU-8

On a brighter note. Public enemies is a must see!

Dirty

I feel sambuca shots and malibu dirty.

Luckily i only have two hours of work today and i've only got the youngest to contend with. I recon i'll just strap her in her buggy and go for a wander, go dip her in the fountain on the market square or something.

Then home, to watch amelie and 9 1/2 weeks. Work 9.30 - 2.30 tomorrow. Cinema 8.15. Can someone please tie me down long enough to write up this lab report.

I feel pretty sketchy today. And a little lost.

Shit.

I highly recommend this song today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu_3RS2rO78

Songs in my head...

Fleet Foxes - White Winter hymnal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCzIw4W7fdQ

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days (STILL!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZPTFfpO40

The Beautiful South - A little Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttuA1UEUAI0

and the original "Don't marry her" by the beautiful south (blue is the colour album)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHnhMvSxOf0

Plus i really love the florence + the machine album cover.

Catch up

Where to start, where to start.

Quick Run down;

• Working with the Italian family 3 days a week - popped into the castle bar after work on friday to say hey to Russ, ended up staying longer than intended whilst waiting for R
• Who is a crazy scary stalker who needs to cool it - walking past the shop the guy you're simply fucking, works in, TWICE, is insane. I, myself, felt like a stalker.
• Went for Pizza at Rescue Rooms and discussed David, stalking david and other david related activities.
• She tried to force me to stay out (incase david asked her to join him in town. sigh.) I refused to drink, there was no point. The night was going nowhere. R ordered a vodka and coke and i ordered belgian waffels and ice cream. She wasn't impressed.
• Watched the end of six feet under. Had the laziest of lazy days yesterday. I didn't leave my bed all day. I started to smell. It was fantastic.
• Carboot sale this morning, made over 50 quid and burnt my back. It's unbelieveably hot today.
• I've spent most of my spare time over the past 48 hours watching films, swapping music with J and singing far to loudly and somewhat theatrically to the beautiful south "A little time" over and over. Followed closely by the dirty dancing soundtrack... hair brush in hand and all. I'm not at all bored of myself yet.

I've clocked my hours for this week and i appear to be working a measley 13! Which is fine, seeing as i worked myself into the ground last week (plus i still need to finish this lab report). Going to see Gigantic at Broadway on Tuesday with J. Greggs back. Samantha's on for drinks. Hollys gone awol so i need to chase her up (last time i saw her she'd lost atleast a stone along with her prick of a boyfriend). Rachael's back. And i have atleast 10 films to work through.

and i'd like to add...

... that in hindsight i'm not actually that angry at John, but at R for telling me and the other R's involvement (far too many R's). In reality, i expect nothing less from John, after all theres a reason i no longer wanted to be with him. He can flirt and fuck who he likes,(i'm pretty sure he always has anyway). I certainly am and i lie safe in the knowledge that what i'm getting is far better than whatever he's getting.

Some six feet under i think :)

Fantastic.

I've just spent the past 15 minutes avoiding an argument with my ex. I admit that I irrationally called him a cock but it was fuelled by R. She told me on the phone that (the other) R has spoken to him on facebook and that the conversation turned dirty when John mentioned his cock. Now, why R thought it necessary to tell me this, i don't know. After all i didn't tell her when her ex shared with me that he shaves his balls. Ignorance is bliss! She would have surely known that by telling me this, it would hurt me. It wouldn't make me like him anyless or hate him anymore, it just makes me hurt. There was just no point. I was happily alphabetising my record collection (followed by dvds and books) until she shared this nugget of information.

Well, almost happily. John had spoken to me earlier and managed to winde me up considerably. He's throwing a party with Joe Dempsey next weekend (yes you hear me right, chris from skins). So that's great. Fucking fantastic. Rub it in.

On a brighter note i'm eating my fish pie (which was going swimmingly until i just dropped my fork on the floor) and i bought more dvds. This weeks buys include;

One flew over the cukoos nest
Crash
This is England
Cassandra's Dream
The boy in the striped Pyjamas
Little Miss Sunshine
Amelie
Notes on a Scandal
9 1/2 Weeks
Twelve Monkeys

I've temporarily "forgotten" my internet banking password. That way i can't tell exactly how overdrawn i am. Perfect

Platonic

Yesterday was a long day. Work 9 til 6 and then to the cinema to see the 8 o'clock showing of the new Transformers (Huge anti-climax).

I'm only working 10.30 til 12.45 which hardly seems worth the effort. I'm contemplating calling Gregg. Which is even more effort. Rekindeling our friendship has been on the bottom of my list for a while now but i feel compelled to contact him. It's been over a year since we actually saw eachother and i'm pretty confident he's got over the awkwardness of the pass he made at me last summer. Maybe it is completly possible to go back to our Will and Grace-esque friendship and keep our dirty little hands to ourselves. I certainly will have no problem.

At present i'm highly resentful of the fact that i no longer have my own flat. Sex under my parents roof is somewhat of a chore (although pulled it off pretty well and with no mention of it this morning from the rents... yet). I've got atleast a year of this, i better just get used to it.

Mums just offered me a lift in to town, she's heading to the jobs center, in order to take her up on her offer i'd have to get up now, right now. Ugh.

As in NOW. GO!

The stars say...

My blogging attempts have been pretty pitiful of late. I can't seem to focus on one thing long enough to pull together one simple blog. Quite honestly i don't know where to start. Plus my daily blog has been replaced with my by daily inboxing to Jamie, often by hourly.

My writings going nowhere. I can't seem to put pen to paper when i'm reading such an amazing book (The time travellers wife). My own writing feels bland and 2 dimensional. I'm working on it. Inbetween episodes of six feet under and chapters from my book.

My assignment is still sat untouched on my desk and today my horoscope does not give me an out (Sunday 21st horoscope encouraged a healthy amount of procrastination), today it tells me to prioritise. I should really stop reading this bullshit.

Dog Days are Over

About to start my second week of the summer block work. Which is exhausting. A small kid, about 13, told me that i had a nice arse and offered to buy me a Mcflurry from mcdonalds on friday. I don't recall trying to pull on school trips.

Me and J held film night on friday and i have to say we pull film night off pretty well. Leon, followed by el sexo y lucia (if i recall correctly) and then a film on sky around 2 in the morning which looking back could easily have been porn. We went to bed sometime around 5 with our bellies rumbling and discussing food and fell asleep sometime around 6, maybe even 7. We slept on and off until 2 in the afternoon and then J dropped me off in town on his way to work.

I tried to take a nap in the afternoon, R wanted to go into town. I caught the 7.06 bus and found myself catching a cab home shortly after 10.30. R was upset about D who seems progressively less interested as the days go on. Plus a guy had called her a slut in Rescue Rooms and i think herself esteem was at an all time low. I'd just downed atleast 7 shots and new that give it another 10 minutes i'd be uncomprehendable and unable to console her. So i suggested we call it a night. As a result i ended up a lot drunker on my arrival home than i was leaving town. I vaguely recall wandering into my parents room to enquire as to what they were watching, it looked of relative interest and i proceeded to wedge myself between the pair before mum suggested i go to bed.

It was then that R rang to discuss D further and puzzel over the whole unfortunate situation but by this point i'm pretty sure i was slurring my words and interjecting things that were not relevant to the topic of conversation.

Fathers day and carboot sale this morning. David Bowie for 20p on vinyl and The third series of 6 feet under for 4 quid. I text Russ and asked if i could borrow the first 2 series.

I need to finish an assignment. Before the end of June. Sighs.

Definately listen to "Dog Days are Over" By Florence + the machine. I'm addicted

Buzzing...

I'm buzzing. Soft fuzzy outline and all. In fact i'm so inspired i can't think straight. I've finally landed an idea something i can work with, something i want to work with. A storyline I could really run with. I've never felt so sure that, with time and effort and a lot of sweat and blood, I can pull this off.

Watch this space.

Baby...

I'm running away with the circus

I don't care for your tone...

Or much of what you say...

Everything that i have to say is knocked down. Anything i have to say is met with a sharp often pesimestic come back. I'm not one for confrontation or retaliation but i was never one for leaving my boyfriend or jetting off on holiday alone either, so i guess theres always a chance that next time i'll turn around and shoot her down (metaphorically speaking).

I need some down time. I've banished parents from entering my room for the rest of the day. Having lived independently for 2 years living back home is becoming an up hill struggle. I feel like a child again.

Tbh, i could do with some company. But i'm not about to ask.

I'm going to start wishing on stars again. Worked for me last time.

Baby, Tell me.

There is deffinately a danger to knowing too much. Sometimes it is best to remain blissfully ignorant, but it's just not in human nature, we prod and we poke until we hear what we need not hear.

After spending much of the morning stomping around like a stroppy teenager I retreated to the fields and sat myself in the grass amongst the bugs (one of which i'm pretty sure i inhaled, disappeared far too quick for my liking). I admit that for a while i cried, a lot, to the point where my eyes burned and my face had gone it's unattractive splotchy red, at which point i was glad that i'd brought my sunglasses along. But it felt good. And it felt even better when i realised i could pick myself back up and get on with the rest of my day.

However, I still feel pretty bad about the frog i stood on last night on my way home. Walking up past the graveyard sometime after 1 my foot came into contact with something soft, that made an unmistakable high pitched squeal. On closer inspection it was indeed a frog, from what i could tell it hadn't exploded under foot but i can't imagine my £4 plimsoles from primark and my drunken footing did any good. I cried the rest of the way home.

I unfortunately missed H's house warming today (i say unfortunately but i'm not sure how sincere i'm being). It was a genuine out, having vomited up half my chinese i thought i should probably bypass the "family and close friend" gathering and watch the last two episodes of desperate housewives whilst nursing the waves of nausea and my increasingly irritating headache. I've been feeling like this for a week now and only today did the symptoms cross my mind as awfully familiar, but on more careful calculation, those odds are pretty low. And to be perfectly honest, who is that unlucky? seriously??

Frienemies

On the bus journey home last night i resisted the urge to cry both out of fear of looking absoloutly ridiculous and that i might actually have dehydrated as a consequence.

We'd been dancing for a couple of hours, only 3 of us which is always a crowd but in reflection it was meant to be a girls night out, ok we'd invited J along but still, this did not warrant abandoning me to suck his face off. Standing alone on a dancefloor while your "best mate" gets off with your other slightly newer, shinier friend is not my idea of a good night out, so i grabbed my bag off the stage and legged it for the bus. I feel i should've done this an hour prior to the face sucking, when she'd asked me to find a guy to dance with so that she could dance with J. I looked around and instantly wanted to bolt. Who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

I recieved an apology text this morning that i'm yet to reply to. We're meant to be out again tonight but this time with D who i haven't yet met, but if it's going to be much of the same then i'm most certainly not game.

Tbh this fending for myself thing is getting kind of tiring. For once can someone put me first? I really need a hug.

and to which i despair

R "he said he's going to brussels for three weeks, on his own, he said i should go with him." oh dear oh dear.

Notches on the bed post

My posts haven't been particularly cheery of late, for which i apologise, profusely, for.
I seem to have abused you as i would diary. But i needed an outlet. So i thank you for your patience while i went off at the deep end.

I'm currently alternating revision with reading girly trash and other means of procrastination. Such as alphabetising my record collection, or clearing out my wardrobe. Or blogging so it would seem.

Infact i've spent the last half hour with my attention divided between the socio-cultural approach to development and R*s latest conquest, although at the moment she's acting like, lets call him "Fred", was not much of an achievement and much more "another notch on the bedpost". We are currently debating whether he does infact like her or not. I tried to tactfully point out that he didn't even know she existed until a few hours prior to the mentioned "event". Although i know i'm at a total loss, she has no doubt already married herself off to the guy. Right now, she's naming their children.

I'm going to be honest with you. I feel something close to jealousy, not too close and i'm definitely not having a green moment because I do not want to be doing what R's doing. This is the 2nd since her break up in whats been only a number of weeks (two if i'm correct). It's just that it would be nice to have someone to talk about. Or more to the point, i miss the someone i had to talk about. I was really enjoying the rush you get from a new person. But i'm by no means going to go hunt that feeling down. Because i can be on my own... and enjoy it. Although the little shopping trips i keep taking myself on have to stop, which leads me to suspect the clearing out of my wardrobe stems from guilt rather than the urgent need to procrastinate.

Anyhow, i must return to this melodrama. R has a certain ex visiting tomorrow. I'm loosing count. Seriously. Who needs a lover when your friend has (counts them off on hand) atleast 3...

xoxo

Crash and Burn

Ok so i'm not ok! Not in the slightest. I should be elbow deep in multiple regression right now but instead i'm drowning in teary mascara and snot. I sobbed my socks off (or more accurately my new Topshop sandals) for approximately 10 minutes before i decided that was plenty enough self pity for one day.

So what if i've left my home and my boyfriend of 5 years? So what if i have no idea what multiple regression actually is and where my telencephalon is actually located? So what?!

I'm angry. So very angry. And if there's a slim chance you're reading this then yes! I'm angry at you. And i'm close to cashing it in and fucking you off because it's meant to be fun and games and thats not at all what it is. What do you want from me?!?

I feel like i might crash and burn. Melodramatic? Don't insult me.

Neurotic

What on earth just happened?

You'd think guys would be best pleased with a girl not eager to tie them down. No hidden agendas.

How wrong could i be.

Seriously? What just happened? Seriously??

I'm not even gonna go there. It's a gorgeous day, the beach boys are playing and i have a heap of revision.

This one can sort itself out.

This is life

I am exhausted. I don't just mean i'm tired, sleepy, lethargic... I mean EXHAUSTED.

There isn't an aspect of my life right now that isn't just exhausting.

Physically, emotionally, mentally...

I've barely had time to come to terms with my break up. They tell you to keep busy, take your mind off it but i'm starting to worry that not too far from now everythings going to come crashing down around me. I think i'm yet to grieve. I think i'm yet to really decide.

I've been too busy with hourly updates from Ruth concerning her break up (this is kind of harsh, i'm sure the calls are not that frequent, but they certainly feel it)

And then theres socialising and boys

And revision

And work and money

And the ridculous distance i have to travel to do any of these things.

And not to mention the change. I was one part of two halves for 5 years and now i'm... not even sure. How do i even feel about that?

I don't have time to consider how i really feel and what i really want. I need to pass this year.

I'm going to hide away until the 11th and pray it doesn't all catch up with me in the mean time.

Cafe Nero Boy

I was in town early this morning, working through a to do list, no doubt longer than this blog.

I wound up in Cafe Nero at Midday waiting for a much overdue catch up with sophie. She was going to be a couple of hours so i set up camp with my ice cold frappe mocha choca latte thingy and my Stats text books. Half way through stepwise multiple regression i realised that cafe nero boy's flirting was a little more than good customer service and after a good hour and a half he made light conversation about my reading material and my course. I learnt he was training to be an electrician and planned to move to Austrailia once qualified.

Another half hour later, after i'd asked him if he'd watch my bags while i nipped to the toilet and after exchanging texts with Sophie, i ordered a large hot chocolate. He asked if i had a loyalty card and when i said that i didnt he said he'd bring one to my table.

Half way through Unrelated anova he dropped a card onto the table, i turned it over to find that he'd filled it with stamps. This was all too easy. I wrote my number on a napkin in brown eyeliner and walked over to the counter, placing it in his hand. Insane? Yes! Exhilarating? Somewhat. Interested? Barely but carpe diam!

Although throw another guy into the mix and i might actually have a melt down.

I might "carpe noctem" and take a nap.

Don't Marry her, marry me...

Marry me?

Passed Boy's lips today when we met up for the first time since the break up.

Not in all seriousness, but clearly illustrating the current climate.

He misses me, he loves me and he's destroyed.

I'm lost.

All Flip Flops and No Bras

I met up with Ruth on Friday and we worked our way around the shops, i bought a new dress, sandals, pants and make up (because i've got out of paying a months notice due to the circumstances).

We then met up with Rachael and worked our way through coctails.

It was great having all three of us back together! We headed back to Ruths and dyed her hair (A somewhat traditional break up ritual) and i fake tanned Rachael because she couldn't bare to stand next to me with my tan. I drank half a bottle of rose.We headed straight to Muse and met up with Andy... which led to Shots in New Revs... which led back to Muse and to Russ, Sam and Lucy and me, near obliterated. By the end of the night everyone was fully aware that my pants matched my dress.


Some more than others...

And that leads us to Sunday. I got home around 11am, fully intending to spend the day doing not much at all. But Samantha was having a bbq, Ruth wanted drinks in the sun, Lou wanted me to join for drinks and Gig out of town and Duncan had invited me for drinks later that evening.

I ended up back in town, sunbathing outside the old jerusalem drinking lemonade, before moving onto coctails in Dogma, where we spent the majority of the night due to Ruths strong and unavoidable intention to sleep with the bar man (who flirted with me first). Andy showed up shortly before 7.30.
Ruth finally slipped the guy her number as we left around 10. So now we're even, the main aim of the game; to see how many bar staff you can slip your number to by the end of the night. I was in the lead with a guy from broadway who served me a tuna melt with wedges and a glass of tap water. Praying that i don't actually hear from him, hopefully he has a girlfriend or i missed a digit.

Now off to a bank holiday carboot sale. I will fit revision in somewhere...

Hell breaking loose

After arriving home on Thursday to find my life in bin bags piled up in my parents kitchen (mothers face was a picture), i've spent the last few days avoiding sorting it all out and have been keeping busy with more enjoyable things, like a girls meant to do during the early days of a break up.

As you may have guessed, things didn't quite go to plan when i arrived home. And it was in fact much worse than i could've imagined. John had took it upon himself to move me out and had let himself into my parents house along with everything i own.

Anyway, my stuff has slowly worked itself out of the bin bags and back into my bedroom. Mainly because dad wants his shed back.

This morning all hell is breaking loose. Mums having a moment over the fact that i didn't return her tweezers to their rightful place and Dad, who has been sorting through the bin bags, has just found my box of vibrators, so we're avoiding eachother at all costs.

I'm currently waiting for lola to turn up, brandishing her ever growing bump and then i plan to meet Ruth in town and then Rachael at 2, fresh from the train station. All to be reunited. This could be interesting...

Lonely Hearts Club

This morning i awoke to a text from Ruth. Anthony has split up with her.

I'm not sure whether i'd seen this coming or not.

Anyway, heading over to Ruths when we arrive home. Which is good because it gets me away from the parents and means i won't end up at the flat, confronting Boy.

I packed at 6.30 this morning, always one to leave everything until last minute. Once ted and my vibrator were accounted for i made my way down to reception, got my deposit back for the TV remote (how i would've gotten through this week with out zone romantica i have no clue) and booked a taxi down to my parents hotel to wait for transfers.

We're Homeward Bound...

Great

Tiene mi ninos por favor?

You'll be glad to know that i managed to escape death by pigeon (flying rat :)) and have fewer white bits than previously mentioned.

Last night i did copious amounts of "across the room flirting" with the spanish waiter. Who apparently looked somewhat disappointed when i didn't turn up for breakfast this morning. However, i did just run into him leaving the hotel and he turned around a few times to smile as he walked up the street. I've already planned the wedding and named our two adorable half spanish/half english children. I text samantha to inform her that she will be acting as maid of honor and i'll be flying her out in the next few weeks.

Of course i'm kidding.

Besides i much prefer the spanish security guard at the apartment. I passed him on the stairs and as i re-emerged from my room he was leaning out of a near by window. I avoided eye contact and gave him a coy smile and made my way back downstairs. As i reached the bottom he cleared his throat and i looked up to see him leaning over the stairs smiling down at me.

All the attention is much appreciated. It certainly acts as a good distractor. But i think the langauge barrier might pose a problem. My spanish leaves much to be desired.

So anyway, i fly home tomorrow. I feel ready to head back and confront the issue at hand. Boy.

Headline;

Yesterday i was sunning my white bits on my balcony, well out of view, when i look up to see not one but two pigeons, looking down at me from the table. Eyeing me up.

I can see the headlines now,

"Heartbroken girl holidaying in the canaries meets her untimely demise; Death by pigeon"

I´m like a young tanned bridget jones and her being eaten alive by alsations, but instead it´s birds, pigeons to be exact, somewhat less poetic.

I dreamt that i flew home last night for my confrontation with Boy. It all went pretty badly. Horrendous tbh. But that makes me feel somewhat better today. Like it couldn´t really be as bad in reality... right?

Right!

Back up to the balcony to sort out my white boobs. If you don´t hear from me you know that i have, in fact, been eaten alive by spanish pigeons... thats a good get out clause if i ever knew one.

Buenos Dias mis amigos! Hasta Luego! Adios!

White Bits

Much of yesterday was spent by the pool, drinking champagne and reading (i know, i´ve deffinately stepped it up a notch).

I played water polo in the afternoon against aload of men twice my size. My team was comprised of my dad, 2 pensioners and me. We lost 15 to 17... which i translate as a win seeing as the odds were against us.

Today i intend to stay on the balcony. The thought of going home with white bits leaves me breaking out into a sweat, so much topless sunbathing is in order.

Off to the supermarket to buy water and breakfast.

Adios!

Hello Mr Blue Sky

Ok i´m a blogging addict. I can´t even take a holiday without blogging.

Last night after returning from the market, i curled up on the sofa in sweats and with chinese take out and watched zone romantica. Sad. I know.

Today i intend to find myself a rock and sit on it.

Stay tuned.

Has been facebook dumped...

You know that your break up is official when you read it in the daily facebook news feed.

I've logged on while the sun hides behind a cloud, to check my e-mail and re-new a library book and of course update you all on my holiday (I'm a 21st century girl after all, technology comes with territory).

My tan is already making an appearance and i'm already planning my next holiday, my drive behind this is my desire to maintain my tan.

My apartment is perfect.

I've done a substantial amount of reading both recreational and for the purpose of revision.

And I'm ok. I have a plan. And i'm ok.

P.s. Hello new followers :) Stay Tuned

xoxo

Airport

I'm at the airport and have managed to slip in 5 sneaky minutes of blogging.

Everything's gone pretty smoothly, apart from the fact my case appears to weigh more than me and i looked like a twat tripping over it trying to load it onto the belt.

Oh and my bag got searched, which ted was somewhat happy about he'd been banished to the bottom of the bag for routinely making an appearance everytime i went in for anything. He fully embraced the light of day before returning to the dusty and dirty bottom of my rucksack.

Concious effort is being made NOT to loose my passport or boarding card (and ted).

I've purchased one trashy novel, two magazines (one of mild intelligence, one not) and i've consumed half an overly priced baguette and a cappucino. Which is now cold but i refuse to let go to waste.

Anyway, no doubt my flight is boarding and i'm blogging so i'll see you all in a week if not before.

xoxo

Leaving on a Jet Plane

7 hours and 40 minutes and i'll be heading to the airport.

On my own.

Completely on my own.

Because i'm not coming back to Boy.

We're over.

Anyone whose experienced a break up knows what i'm feeling.

I can't put it into words.

I don't dare.

I'll be in touch... watch this space.

Yes Russ :) Procrastination.

In just under 48 hours i'll be on a beach!

I'll be a world away from my problems, absorbing the harsh UVA of Canary Island Sun and the contents of my developmental psychology text book.

On a beach.

In just under 24 hours i'll be handing in this Critical Commentary.

This critical commentary that is an impossible 500 words away from completion.

Rather than critically contemplating the Freudian Personality theory and Jungian archetypes.

I'm considering taking a bus back into town and indulging in ice cream and retail therapy.

After all i do need to buy travel plugs.

How on earth will i blog abroad without travel plugs... and sandals.

Milk and Cookies

How cheerful is this photograph?

This pretty much sums up what i'm doing right now.

and this about equates to what i'll be doing in the next 20 minutes or so

But i'd much rather be doing it like this... where is he?xoxo

Manic Monday

Having not slept through the night, awaking at 1.30, a mere 3 hours after falling into bed, i dragged myself to work at 7. D left the house shortly after i arrived leaving me to wake two rays of sunshine (note; hint of sarcasm). E and F slept until 7.40, F awoke easily as i rolled up the blinds and switched on the radio, E awoke somewhat more grudingly and it was only pure bribery and a hint of luck that got her out of her monday morning stooper.

F dressed and E whined and then breakfast was served after a fight over the remote (bribery gone bad). With Faces washed, teeth brushed and hair done, all achieved through expert coaxing and limited back chat, we finally and i emphasise finally, made it out of the door.

The morning walk to school is normally pleasant, we often play eye spy or pretend we're on a train but this morning our timing was unfortunate and we ran into D's family friend M and his daughter S and endured 10 minutes of forced plesantries and feined interest. I for one, did not care much for the fact he was having a new kitchen floor fitted today and for sure did not fall prey to what i assume was a pathetic attempt to palm his child off on me. On greeting me he looked distractedly over the hedge towards his house, a confused expression on his face, i met his frown with raised eyebrows and an innocent questioning look

"Ah, i just thought i saw... we're having the kitchen floor fitted today and i was just checking they hadn't already arrived"

I just as innocently nodded, ignoring the hint.

With the girls at school i headed back to the apartment with little intent to sleep. Boy was still on the sofa when i arrived back, a somewhat cleaner and nakeder version of the Boy i left 2 hours ago.

The next hour was spent on the phone to the benefits advisors due to Boys inability to work at present because of his back. I spent a considerable amount of time on the other end of the phone passing on my employment details, which due to my 3 jobs and my infrequent and uncontracted hours was an arduous task.

Now, sleep deprived and hungry i am torn between attempting to put an end to this insomnia and actually going out and enjoying this beautiful day... and my critical commentary.

I really need this holiday.

"Some mother's do av em"

I'm aware that in the UK it isn't mothers day but i was inspired by blogs and post secret to share with you my mum. She's an inspiration. And as i get older i am, and i'm not ashamed to say, turning into my mother... to my boyfriends dismay.

Puzzle Pieces

I strongly believe my inability to decide what i want now, comes from the fact that i know exactly what i want out of my future. Never have i had such a clear vision of where i'll be in 10 years time and never have I felt such an urgency to work towards it.

And some of the pieces don't fit and i am overly aware that Boy doesn't want the same things that i want.

I realise that i have always neglected the concept of marriage and have conciously delayed the pitter patter of tiny feet to post 30 in my blue prints of the future. The reasoning behind this? Because Boy doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids. So i push my thresholds to meet his, i say 30 when i'd much rather say 27, but thirty is a much more plausiable time frame to allow for him to come around to the idea or enough time left with him before i have to leave and find someone else.

But honestly, i think i want to get married and i want to have children especially without the increased risk of complications and birth defects.

I see myself at 27, stepping out of my whitewash beach house with windows lined with flower boxes and baby blue wooden shutters, there's a veranda that stretches round the front of the house and there's a cat asleep on the bench under the window. I've got a bump and a smile on my face. I have a ring on my finger and a camera in my hand. I speak fluent spanish and i teach and i write.

This is a long way off and between then and now there's a list of all the countless things i want to accomplish and experience in my lifetime before i bring kids into the world.

But this is what i want. This is what i'm aiming for. I don't want to be stuck here. But my impatient nature is doing me no favours. What do you do about the pieces that might never fit?

Post Secret Sunday

I have had a busy morning, sifting through photography and post secret postings. I am knee deep and near drowning in inspiration and now have no idea where to start. So i thought for now i'll keep it simple and post some of the post cards that seemed all to relevant. Some that i could easily have posted myself.

Note to Self;

The sun is out (photograph taken 01/05/09 -Nottingham, Market Square)

Note to self; Get dressed and leave the apartment!

This month, and forgive me for sounding so cliche (especially in my first blog of my new blog), has been a roller coaster of a ride. But the point of starting a new blog, is most certainly not to rehash what has been the most bipolar of months.

But it would be unfair not to bring you up to speed (you may have to read between the lines)

1. I live with "Boy" on the edge of town
2. ... In our somewhat dysfunctional apartment and as of late, our somewhat dysfunctional relationship.
   
3. I am currently hungry
4. ... and working 3 jobs along side my full time degree
5. All of which are with children, so high levels of responsibility and an unmeasurable amount of patience leaves me exhausted
6. ... however work is sparse as of recent, due to my battle with finding balance between work, degree and life
   
7. My dysfunctional relationship is comprised of little communication, mainly due to Boys nocturnal behaviour. Rarely is he conscious prior to tea time, keeping most of his waking hours post 6PM
8. ... and he is currently jobless
9. Leaving me tearing down the walls
10. ... and our relationship it would seem
11. But we are trying
12. And i am waiting for a sign... a message from god, which is awfully big of me because i am, in no sense of the word, religious

So with all that in mind, constantly in mind. I am heading to pick up my holiday tickets today. The holiday that is little under a week away. The holiday i am embarking on all by myself. Brave? Stupid? A week on the beach with (endless) revision, just me myself and I. It could be an enlightening experience. It could be an absolute f*cking disaster.

Watch this space.

Relocation Relocation

I'm back.